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Messy Motherhood

It's midday and I've only just immerged from my bed, which I really had to force myself out of today.

I look around the house and am overwhelmed by the pig stye staring back at me. A reflection of my inner world & mind. Full of stagnant thoughts & beliefs.

The kids are parked in front of the tv still in their pjs, eating sugar-covered rice pops and watching Barney…oh fuck, this is so far from where my inner “perfectionist crunchy mama” wants to be. That inner voice continues to nag me with her judgemental thoughts, reminding me how much I despise sugar and brainwashing kid's tv. With the energy of ‘can’t be fucked’ I convince myself it's ok and try my hardest not to crawl back into bed. I could easily sleep the day away and not deal with life today.

I feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable in my body- probably from binge eating chocolate & fast food last night and staying up late on my phone.

I walk into the kitchen to get some water and break down in tears of fustration when I see the mountain of dishes all over the bench, the leftover food that has dried up on the counter, and a whole bag of salt all over the floor..seriously like whyyyy do my kids have to get into EVERYTHING.

Tears flowing, messy ugly snot crying. Oh yes, a chance to release.

My soul sighs in relief. I no longer have to hold it all together & suppress all that wants to be deeply felt.

I feel a weight and dark cloud lift off me as I allow myself to finally FEEL. I pray for light and harmony to come into my heart and remind myself that being a human is fucking hard.

The last week has felt extremely demanding with trying to juggle everything on my plate and having my man break his leg- I've basically had another child to tend to (haha sorry babe) with that being said it makes me realize how much he does around the house since I've had to pick it all up.

Its actually been really nourishing to focus energy into the home but Ive also been confronted with feelings of deep overwhelm.

I feel so elevated at times in my growth & healing journey just to be slapped in the face with the reality of my own struggles, self-sabotaging patterns & coping mechanisms.

I ponder on the parts of myself that want to show up as 'perfect' all the time, the one who has all the answers and the little inner girl who puts walls up over her heart & holds onto shit.

I am humbled by the remembrance of my own struggles- the shit that I'm NOT good at like cooking, controlling my anger, staying focused, and being kind to myself.

Feelings of deep peace wash over me as I sink deeper into acceptance of my struggles and humanness. Yes Taleta, even with the deep wisdom, light, knowledge, and spiritual gifts that you possess- you are still a human tryna figure this shit out.

I smoke a bong and allow the deep feminine, nurturing essence of Mary Jane to hold me through all that I am processing.

I look myself in the mirror and search for the beauty that lives within me, my heart.

I find a glimpse of her....she immediately gives me the courage to roll up my sleeves and tackle this mountain of dishes.

I blast India Arie on the speaker and get to work. With each dish that is washed, bench that is wiped, laundry that is folded I feel the stagnancy being gently untangled within my mind.

Reflecting on all the pressure that I put on myself as a homeschooling mum, friend, partner, entrepreneur & mentor for others.

I look at my to-do list and all the creative business ventures that I have mapped out on my wall that are yet to be birthed into the world.

Yeah-Nah not feeling it at all today.