It's midday and I've only just immerged from my bed, which I really had to force myself out of today.
I look around the house and am overwhelmed by the pig stye staring back at me. A reflection of my inner world & mind. Full of stagnant thoughts & beliefs.
The kids are parked in front of the tv still in their pjs, eating sugar-covered rice pops and watching Barney…oh fuck, this is so far from where my inner “perfectionist crunchy mama” wants to be. That inner voice continues to nag me with her judgemental thoughts, reminding me how much I despise sugar and brainwashing kid's tv. With the energy of ‘can’t be fucked’ I convince myself it's ok and try my hardest not to crawl back into bed. I could easily sleep the day away and not deal with life today.
I feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable in my body- probably from binge eating chocolate & fast food last night and staying up late on my phone.
I walk into the kitchen to get some water and break down in tears of fustration when I see the mountain of dishes all over the bench, the leftover food that has dried up on the counter, and a whole bag of salt all over the floor..seriously like whyyyy do my kids have to get into EVERYTHING.
Tears flowing, messy ugly snot crying. Oh yes, a chance to release.
My soul sighs in relief. I no longer have to hold it all together & suppress all that wants to be deeply felt.
I feel a weight and dark cloud lift off me as I allow myself to finally FEEL. I pray for light and harmony to come into my heart and remind myself that being a human is fucking hard.
The last week has felt extremely demanding with trying to juggle everything on my plate and having my man break his leg- I've basically had another child to tend to (haha sorry babe) with that being said it makes me realize how much he does around the house since I've had to pick it all up.
Its actually been really nourishing to focus energy into the home but Ive also been confronted with feelings of deep overwhelm.
I feel so elevated at times in my growth & healing journey just to be slapped in the face with the reality of my own struggles, self-sabotaging patterns & coping mechanisms.
I ponder on the parts of myself that want to show up as 'perfect' all the time, the one who has all the answers and the little inner girl who puts walls up over her heart & holds onto shit.
I am humbled by the remembrance of my own struggles- the shit that I'm NOT good at like cooking, controlling my anger, staying focused, and being kind to myself.
Feelings of deep peace wash over me as I sink deeper into acceptance of my struggles and humanness. Yes Taleta, even with the deep wisdom, light, knowledge, and spiritual gifts that you possess- you are still a human tryna figure this shit out.
I smoke a bong and allow the deep feminine, nurturing essence of Mary Jane to hold me through all that I am processing.
I look myself in the mirror and search for the beauty that lives within me, my heart.
I find a glimpse of her....she immediately gives me the courage to roll up my sleeves and tackle this mountain of dishes.
I blast India Arie on the speaker and get to work. With each dish that is washed, bench that is wiped, laundry that is folded I feel the stagnancy being gently untangled within my mind.
Reflecting on all the pressure that I put on myself as a homeschooling mum, friend, partner, entrepreneur & mentor for others.
I look at my to-do list and all the creative business ventures that I have mapped out on my wall that are yet to be birthed into the world.
Yeah-Nah not feeling it at all today.
I surrender to the deep inner call of slowing down, relaxing my mind, and trusting the process whilst also committing to a few things that I can tick off and complete. Balance right?…. Still tryna figure that one out to.
My beautiful sister arrives at my home like a god-sent angel with homemade lasagne and chocolate chip cookies! I devour it with no guilt receiving all the love that it was made with.
She plays with the kids while I find silence in my room thinking of how grateful I am for family and sisterhood. I soak up the time to just reflect and finish off the vacuuming.
Its now 5pm, I round the kids up and we drive around the corner to the indoor pools & hydroslides.
I drop into deep presence with my children, my favorite most joyous, fulfilling place to be- like coming back home to truth. They've been waiting all day for me to get out of my funk. I see their heart and eyes light up when they see that I am there with them, like REALLY there- present in my heart. We have so much fun at the pools. I pretend to be a mermaid swimming in the deep allowing the water to cleanse and hold me.
We arrive back home to the beautiful energy and space that I created before we left. Proud of the transformation from earlier today. I did it- I transmuted it all, picking myself up and getting through a rough day.
I get out my planner & journal to plan my day for tomorrow. Feeling motivated and inspired to get back on my shit. I set my alarm so I can get up and complete my morning routine, something that had fallen to the back burner the last week.
I see clearly the ways in which I haven't been supporting myself by implementing these structures consistently. I smile and remember that I am human.
I sit here currently writing this from my bed at 10 pm. I'm looking forward to resting my head and snuggling up with my babies to invite in a new day tomorrow with hopes that It will start better than today.
Despite it all, I am so deeply grateful for my life and all the amazing blessings and lessons that help me to grow. It's in the rawest moments of my life that I am able to find my deepest strength and wisdom. Accepting all parts of myself, the ugly, the messy & everything in between.
If you've come this far thank you for reading.
Manuia le po,